RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THE GOTHS ARE COMING!

I realize it’s been a while since my last missive, but I had to come back to warn you all of this terrible danger.

What I tell you may be hard to believe. But it’s the truth. And it’s a danger that could very well be lurking right here… in your hometown… maybe even… your… very… home.

GOTHS are apparantly attempting to take over Missouri.

That’s right, you heard me. The Gateway to the West is about to fall prey to the denizens of the Underworld – NO ONE IS SAFE. Not even Nelly.

And we have ONE person to thank for this blessed early warning…

U.S. REP. SAM GRAVES (shockingly, a Republican.)

Rep. Graves has taken it upon himself to save the state of Missouri, and perhaps us all, from this dreaded Goth insurgence. Word hit the street two weeks ago that Rep. Graves has earmarked federal funding to the tune of $237,437 – that’s your U.S. tax dollars, folks – to “combat Goth culture” in Missouri.

Well, it’s about damn time. Those pesky Goths are out of control – and, in the proverbial Fortress of Solitude that IS Missouri – they could spread their tentacles of evil to… oh, let’s say… Kansas. NOOOOO!

Now, you MAY be asking yourself, “But how, Shane, how? How can a meager $237,437 even begin to purchase the weaponry, tools, and complex computer equipment needed to decode the hidden messages buried deep in the underbelly of the Bauhaus back catalogue?”

I refer to you the press release from the Blue Springs Youth Outreach Unit (that’s Y.O.U. – cute, eh?), the beneficiaries of this Federal godsend:

“The funding will support public safety efforts including SURVEILLANCE…”

That’s right, we’ve sent out Johnny Law – UNDERCOVER – to spy on the Gothic culture and untangle their web of misery.

Can you IMAGINE a scenario like this? It’d be like a Gothic 21 Jump Street.

UNDERCOVER COP: “Hello, fellow Gothic Rocker. I’m new to this school, and I hate myself, too. What say you and I go dig up a dead body and listen to this great Cleopatra Records Gothic Tribute to Madonna?”

GOTH: Piss off.

I guess I simply didn’t have my priorities in order. I was naïve. I didn’t know that the Gothic underworld has created a danger of this magnitude. I guess I was distracted by, oh, THE GUY WHO’S RUNNING AROUND LIKE A LUNATIC PUTTING PIPE BOMBS IN MY NEIGHBORS’ MAILBOXES. But apparantly that’s not as important as defeating the Goth menace.

Back to the press release:

“The City will host town hall and informational meetings, with the purpose of educating community members so they will be better informed about the gothic culture. These meetings will be aimed at helping to identify the signs and symptoms of at-risk kids, and gothic related activity that may lead to severe self-abuse, drug use and other criminal activity.”

Again, imagine the horror:

COUNSELOR: “Alright, I’d like to thank all of you for coming out to this town meeting. Before we begin, I must urge anyone with a weak stomach to exit the room. The materials we are about to show you are graphic and shocking, but must be presented to you here if we are to beat this vermin plague down.”

AUDIENCE: (shuffle uncomfortably)

COUNSELOR: “In my right hand, I hold……. A BLACK CANDLE!”

AUDIENCE: (recoiling in horror)

COUNSELOR: “It’s alright, I have a firm grip on it, and I will not, repeat, will NOT be lighting the candle. Do not be afraid.”

AUDIENCE: (collective sigh of relief)

COUNSELOR: This candle, ladies and gentlemen, is but half the horror. Many of your traditional Gothic Rockers light this candle… and then use the light of the candle… to look at… THIS!”

(Counselor holds up a still photograph of Siouxsie Sioux. Audience SHRIEK and clamor for the exits.)

And the press release keeps right on going:

“The City will conduct detailed educational trainings for front-line staff in the Blue Springs School district, where most initial encounters with the gothic culture are made.”

Again, the mind wanders…

Scene: The first day of school. Kids wander into the school foyer, eyes full of wonder, happy and eager to begin the learning process anew. When suddenly, a menacing form appears from the shadows…

GOTH ROCKER: “Psst… hey, you, kid. C’mere.”

LITTLE JOHNNY: “Gosh, mister, are you talking to me?”

GOTH ROCKER: “Sure am, kid. Hey, listen, kid, can you say the word ‘wicca’ ?”

LITTLE JOHNNY: “I dunno. Lemme try. Wic-cah.”

GOTH ROCKER: “Good, kid, that’s real good. Now I need to tell you something. It might shock you, but this is the kind of stuff you don’t learn in class. You, my little friend, are going to die. We all will. And since we’re all gonna die, life isn’t really important, is it? There’s really no point to it all. So you might as well sit around all day and be depressed, ‘cause you’re gonna die, and there’s nothing you can do about it. And, since you’re already depressed, you might as well start wearing all black, so that you can mourn for your own life more effectively. Here, take this Sisters of Mercy t-shirt.”

LITTLE JOHNNY: “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

GOTH ROCKER: “That’s good, kid. But try it with more of a wail.”

LITTLE JOHNNY: “Waaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha!”

GOTH ROCKER: “Now you’re getting it. Now here, kid, quick, before somebody sees me, take this Cure CD and go home and listen to it all night. Their singer – ALL HAIL THE GREAT SIR ROBERT! – is a very powerful man. He’ll teach you what you need to know."

The press release rails on:

“Training will be directed toward principals, counselors, teachers… church pastors and assistants, [and] faith-based organization leaders.”

Wow – these people really HAVE done their homework – only the hardcore music fan knows that a Goth’s favorite hang-outs are the principal’s office and the nearest church.

“By educating individuals who work with youth about gothic characteristics, music, books, magazines, jewelry, fashion trends, movies, comic books, various subsets and language, we hope to make them more aware of who they are interacting with and what the potential is for at-risk youth to take this movement to an unexpected level of harming themselves or others.”

And this for only a meager $237,437.

Shit, I would’ve sent ‘em a mix CD for 20 bucks.

The most intriguing part about the above statement is the fact that there apparantly exists a GOTHIC LANGUAGE that I’ve not been clued into. So I did some digging – and it’s true. The Goth language is apparantly an off-shoot of Esperanto – it’s called Nosferanto. The basic tenets are similar to English, but in Nosferanto, all basic words are rooted to the primary syllables of BE, LA, LU, GO, SEES, and DED.

So for instance, if you wanted to ask a local Gothic Rocker how to get to the local flower shop, it would be something like this:

“BE LU SEES LA BE DED FLOWER SHOP?”

Can you guess what this popular Nosferanto phrase is?

“LU GO BE LA SEES BE DED GO SEES-DED BE-LU GO-DED LU-BE-LA DED GO LA-BE DED-DED BE GO SEES-LA-DED GO LA-LU DED-LA SEES-LU BE GO! SEES DED LA BE LU-GO LU-BE SEES DED GO-BE-SEES DED-LA GO-BE LU LA SEES BE-DED!”

If you guessed “Darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand, creatures crawl in search of blood, to terrorize y’awl’s neighborhood, and whosoever shall be found, without the soul for getting down, must stand and face the hounds of Hell, and rot inside a corpse’s shell, the foulest stench is in the air, the funk of 40,000 years, and grizzly ghouls from every tomb are closing in to seal your doom, and though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to shiver, for no mere mortal can resist the evil of the thriller ha ha ha,” well, you’d be right.

Handily, that classic Gothic Rocker mantra was translated into English by concerned citizen M. Jackson of Neverland, California.

So, boy, I’m sure glad the U.S. government is using our tax dollars for such important tasks as these.

Rep. Graves himself is quoted as saying:

“It is my hope that this funding will give the officers in the Youth Outreach Unit the tools they need to identify Goth culture leaders that are preying on our kids.”

Yes, because remember folks, it’s nearly impossible to spot a Bauhaus t-shirt with the naked eye – this sort of intense scouting requires $237,437 worth of high-tech monitoring equipment.

At the end of the day, I’ll certainly sleep better knowing that our government is spending my tax dollar to attempt to thwart a musical subculture. Now if only they’ll do something about those damn shoegazers…

We all owe Rep. Graves our lives. In fact, I’m going to guess that all of you would like to personally thank Rep. Graves for his efforts at combatting musical freedom. You can feel free to send him a kind note of thanks at: sam.graves@mail.house.gov

(Special thanks to Citizens Against Government Waste and Steve Sobel at openingbands.com for clueing me onto this absurdity. This is a REAL crusade, folks – I’m not making it up – well, I made up the Nosferanto bit. Thankfully, Sen. John McCain – the only Republican I’ve ever liked – is crusading against this ridiculous example of Federal pigeonholing and potential 1st Amendment violations.)